Acceptance and the Waiting Game

I haven't had the desire to put my thoughts into words for over a year now. I am not sure the reasons, autopilot, mild depression, distraction of Bloggers evil brother Facebook? I really dont know.

How can I not document this experience though? For a year we have diligently been trying to have another baby. Finally on the third round of Clomid we succeeded. It has been nerve racking from the beginning due to the fact I went in for surgery the day of ovulation. I figured after a year of trying what were the odds of conceiving the ONE month I had to take pain pills for a while. That's just the way it works sometimes. Fate had it and thankfully we tested as early as possible and those two pink lines showed up a week before I was to start which I immediatly started to wean off pain meds. We were THRILLED about the pregnancy! We couldn't wait to tell everyone as usual, so the fear of miscarriage was there.
Once I hit 13 weeks and out of the high risk of losing the baby a whole new set of worries presented themselves. I opted for the Nucal Translucency test as I did with Max. The results did not turn out as what they considered "normal". Blood work was done and with the Free HCG levels as well as the Papp-A whick both were off, we were given a 1 and 5 chance of Downs Syndrome. Not to mention the news came to us from the genetic counselor that new findings in Evers condition (our sweet baby girl who passed away from a severe form of skeletal dysplasia called Short Rib Polydactayly) which found in a 12 year study ALL forms are now genetically linked. We were told ironically 12 years ago, which was right when they began the study, that there was no finding of anything in the autopsy or our DNA that indicated it would happen again. Now in medical advancements in the Genome Project more specifically I believe, it now gives us a 1 and 4 chance for EACH baby born. Easy math - 25% chance every time. I can not express how blessed I felt as I thought about my other kids, their health, their existence.
I have not felt much about the recurrence of the fatal skeletal odds. My mind focuses on the chance of Downs. I am not sure really why accept that maybe I am preparing myself. I feel that if it wasn't such a possibility I would not write this. In the beginning I was in fear. I only know a few isolated stories of kids with Downs, one of which my friend from elementary all the way beyond high school. She has a sweet little kindergartner son with it. I read her blog and although her son is full of joy and life in their home, I also read that she has her work cut out for her. There are challenges that come along with the syndrome. But when it all boils down my so called "normal" kids have come with challenges. Plus I am not real sure my kids are as happy as her son is by far! I see blessings in her life, I see hope and an understanding I may not have known before reading about him. I never would have imagined reading her blog over a year ago that I may experience some of the same feelings or challenges that she has.
I can not say that I "know" if our son will have it but I can say that finally today I came to the realization that I am okay with it. I welcome the opportunity of growth and learning to let go of the 'ideal family'. I can honestly say that if I have the opportunity to bring a child into the world with Downs our family will be better because of him. Then in the end that will make us more "ideal" than I ever could have imagined.
Until then - we wait, in acceptance, for the results in a few days.

I have to make mention that I sent out an email to some friends and family during the time of shock and fear for both potential circumstances we may have been looking at in pregnancy. I asked for prayers on our behalf. I feel so blessed that in the last couple days, mainly today, I have almost accepted it without even knowing. I believe my fears, and grieving per say, has fallen aside and a new hope of facing whatever happens now has taken over. I believe in the power of prayer.
I believe in blessings from what we may have once thought to be our greatest fear.
I am thankful that the Lord is aware of us and what we need to grow. If it turns out he doesn't have it, I will always have a special place in my heart for those who do.