Written in honor of my first child Bailey:
Here I sit ten hours into a flight from London Heathrow to Hong Kong reveling in the past three days. I say three because truthfully I am not sure what day it is. Time zones are hazy and sleep seems illusive and scattered. Granted I am reminded and overly appreciative for the passion inside me that never really died.
Here I sit ten hours into a flight from London Heathrow to Hong Kong reveling in the past three days. I say three because truthfully I am not sure what day it is. Time zones are hazy and sleep seems illusive and scattered. Granted I am reminded and overly appreciative for the passion inside me that never really died.
If I were gay, this would be my "Coming Out Post". The Good - The Bad - and the Ugly peek into the real story. If you have ever lost hope in life please read this overly long post. We all have dreams we lost along the way in life. This is a reminder your life may come full circle in unexpected ways as you put your head down and work through the crappy parts. If you have forgotten your drive or lost yourself this may be for you. Or if your nosy and wanted to know some of my dirt, well here it is.
The back story:
19 years ago I became fast friends with a girl who was originally from my home town of Mesa AZ. After hanging out a couple weeks she pitched a deal to me while sitting on a picnic bench at Saguaro Lake marina . There we were in swim suits and board shorts as a vision was cast. She had just returned from Korea and spoke of what she did in those months overseas as a English teacher. Respectively I had done many things within the United States by for the young age of 23. I lived a great life filled with experiences, although as I heard stories of her life there, my small world began open up to exciting opportunities. She said things like, “you should come back with me” , my excitement grew, “we could stay in Seoul long enough to make enough money, travel around the world heading west, my friend lived in Nepal and loved it!” . She had my attention and within two months I had a passport and a ticket to Seoul South Korea .
She never did end up going back with me that September when I left but she and I have remained the best of friends for close to twenty years. I attribute much of my love for foreign lands to her and am grateful for our history.
South Korea was not the only common denominator in our friendship. We both blindly fell into new and unchartered territories side by side as mothers. The two of us each went on to have five children, fumble through life’s trials, and settle in the sleepy suburb living a short distance from one another.
Life has a funny way of coming full circle for things that meant the most to you at one point in your life. Some call is fate, a blessing, self fulfilling prophecy, whatever your take on it the idea is the same. What you focus on you typically get. My focus for traveling around the world never really left. Many years in the trenches of motherhood I had dismissed the notion of world travel but the desire never went away.
More recently:
Fast forward to 11 months ago. My youngest just turned 4 years old the same time those remnants of travel dreams began to be ignited. The embers began to light up again inside of my wandering soul. Mini trips and family vacations made me feel alive, I craved them as if they were my breath of life. Everything just seems better on the road. New and exciting adventures, even in the middle of damage control and unexpected turns , life just seemed worth living through the unexpected.
My gratitude overflows as I feel like my Heavenly Father knows just what I need, just when I need it. He grants me opportunities above and beyond what I deserve. Although I will have technically traveled around the world as of a few days from now, it was not the around the experience I once set out to do. What started with a ticket to Asia a few months ago ended in a “Around the world in 10 days” due to weather conditions and flight re-route though Europe onto Asia. Yes they are all short stays in only four foreign countries and no this was not my original version of circling the globe. Am I disappointed? Of course not! The greatest thing about maturity is you can see things with perspective most the time. This version of my dream long ago I recognize as a tender mercy and a blessing or gift that I was granted for doing the right thing when I left my dreams 18 years ago to come home and raise a child. Yep you heard it right - I unknowingly moved to a foreign land alone that September 1996, pregnant. What I thought was the beginning of a fun and exciting life ahead traveling turned into tough choices and learning to see a better more beautiful new adventure developing inside of me, waiting to teach me what life was really about. My daughter was born a short six months after I returned home from that trip to Seoul. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t all fun, and it certainly wasn’t glamorous or even enjoyable most the time. It truthfully was one of the hardest things I have done as I often cried myself to sleep each night alone. But while there was hardship this was what turned out to be was exactly what I needed. I needed to learn service , sacrifice , and love. I needed to take a back seat while my kid(s) had their opportunities. Thats what we as mothers do, we give up what we want most for the sake of our children . The fine line of giving without losing yourself. Motherhood eventually became my drive, my purpose and my everything. The irony of it all is it was what also led me to a burn out. Yes I lost myself along the way and it got messy for a long periods of time, but now as today I sit over Mongolia traveling 530 mph next to the love of my life , I soak in my full circle moment. Life is great right? Typing the silver lining, posting only the best pics and touching on the slight impurities of the moment to keep it “real”…thats what we do. We don’t mislead, we instinctively focus on the better side of the story. My posts and pics were never false or fake, they were edited - thats where the title comes into play.
“If I were gay this would be my coming out post” . Lets get one thing straight… I never set out to withhold truth, I was surviving. Sometimes talking about the darkness and the grit it takes to survive is difficult for even yourself to face. Life was not all what it seemed to be on my blog and not all what it seemed to friends at a distance.
The Fake and The Truth:
The truth is, the last three years I was drowning. I was unhappy 75% of the time on a good day, and I was lost. Don’t get me wrong there were moments where I was so happy my heart could bust, moments of pure joy. But when those moments were in the distance there was pain, fear, and a pending gloom that I was pretty much blowing it as a wife, mother, and daughter of God. I tried for years to dig my way out of the pit I seemed to continuously fall in. For many years my efforts reaped goodness and blessings poured down. But there came a time where my load became too heavy and I started to give up. Six months ago was the peak of loss when I stopped caring for things I cared for previously. I stopped trying, stopped pushing myself and stopped seeing my families future in the light I had once seen it in idealistic terms. I didn’t even know how it would all play out eventually. I was lost physically, spiritually, mentally and certainly emotionally. By the grace of God there was a change that came into my life and fixed many if not all of those areas through becoming well through giving my body nutrition it was being starved of. That is a whole other post, in a nut shell, I couldn’t function without giving my body what it needed to survive stress. The stress was killing my abilities to handle my kids, and the stress was ultimately destroying my life dreams of who I ultimately wanted to be as a person. But what I found in the end was we should never underestimate what is out there for resources. It may be a friend you write off as too unlike yourself to relate to your troubles. It may be taking a step back and taking back your personal life a little even though what you are giving to your family and others is worthwhile. If you are suffering and unable to fill your own bucket, what truly are you able to give them in the end. Learning to put our own oxygen mask on before helping others is something I only recently truly understood. I feel saddened it took this long and feel the need to apologize to my kids for serving them too often over myself. Because in the end, neither of us really benefited the way I had hoped. But when we know better we do better.
The morel of the story:
Our dreams never have to die. They can be fulfilled in a different version of how you originally created them. You can have it all if you open yourself up to sacrifice and always putting the most important things above those you want in the moment. But never forgetting that one of the most important things is to feed yourself first. Feed yourself though worthwhile personal nourishment. Take care of your physical and spiritual self. Stop believing the lies we tell ourselves that those around us won’t feel the effects of our lack of joy as long as we keep doing what we are suppose to though action. People know when your going through the motions and your kids do too. Start focusing on your personal development. There will be defining moments in life where you sometimes have to just move forward with a decision for the only reason being that it is the right one. Sometimes those correct choices you made won’t produce immediate fulfillment or grant you what you wanted right away, but you can never go wrong by doing right. Don’t take the shortcut, the path that has the least resistance i.e.: the wrong path. I would like to believe that although my choices were not always the best, overall when it came down to it I chose right when it mattered the most.
Know that the right path may be a long, hard road but it’s never the wrong path to take. The right path may often not be most glamorous , but your time will come full circle in the least unexpected moment. Never give up hope, never give up on your dreams and never lose sight of what is really the most important no matter how much you really want something. What you want isn’t always what you need at that moment in your life. Be open, be teachable, be patient. Your time will come.
The back story:
19 years ago I became fast friends with a girl who was originally from my home town of Mesa AZ. After hanging out a couple weeks she pitched a deal to me while sitting on a picnic bench at Saguaro Lake marina . There we were in swim suits and board shorts as a vision was cast. She had just returned from Korea and spoke of what she did in those months overseas as a English teacher. Respectively I had done many things within the United States by for the young age of 23. I lived a great life filled with experiences, although as I heard stories of her life there, my small world began open up to exciting opportunities. She said things like, “you should come back with me” , my excitement grew, “we could stay in Seoul long enough to make enough money, travel around the world heading west, my friend lived in Nepal and loved it!” . She had my attention and within two months I had a passport and a ticket to Seoul South Korea .
She never did end up going back with me that September when I left but she and I have remained the best of friends for close to twenty years. I attribute much of my love for foreign lands to her and am grateful for our history.
South Korea was not the only common denominator in our friendship. We both blindly fell into new and unchartered territories side by side as mothers. The two of us each went on to have five children, fumble through life’s trials, and settle in the sleepy suburb living a short distance from one another.
Life has a funny way of coming full circle for things that meant the most to you at one point in your life. Some call is fate, a blessing, self fulfilling prophecy, whatever your take on it the idea is the same. What you focus on you typically get. My focus for traveling around the world never really left. Many years in the trenches of motherhood I had dismissed the notion of world travel but the desire never went away.
More recently:
Fast forward to 11 months ago. My youngest just turned 4 years old the same time those remnants of travel dreams began to be ignited. The embers began to light up again inside of my wandering soul. Mini trips and family vacations made me feel alive, I craved them as if they were my breath of life. Everything just seems better on the road. New and exciting adventures, even in the middle of damage control and unexpected turns , life just seemed worth living through the unexpected.
My gratitude overflows as I feel like my Heavenly Father knows just what I need, just when I need it. He grants me opportunities above and beyond what I deserve. Although I will have technically traveled around the world as of a few days from now, it was not the around the experience I once set out to do. What started with a ticket to Asia a few months ago ended in a “Around the world in 10 days” due to weather conditions and flight re-route though Europe onto Asia. Yes they are all short stays in only four foreign countries and no this was not my original version of circling the globe. Am I disappointed? Of course not! The greatest thing about maturity is you can see things with perspective most the time. This version of my dream long ago I recognize as a tender mercy and a blessing or gift that I was granted for doing the right thing when I left my dreams 18 years ago to come home and raise a child. Yep you heard it right - I unknowingly moved to a foreign land alone that September 1996, pregnant. What I thought was the beginning of a fun and exciting life ahead traveling turned into tough choices and learning to see a better more beautiful new adventure developing inside of me, waiting to teach me what life was really about. My daughter was born a short six months after I returned home from that trip to Seoul. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t all fun, and it certainly wasn’t glamorous or even enjoyable most the time. It truthfully was one of the hardest things I have done as I often cried myself to sleep each night alone. But while there was hardship this was what turned out to be was exactly what I needed. I needed to learn service , sacrifice , and love. I needed to take a back seat while my kid(s) had their opportunities. Thats what we as mothers do, we give up what we want most for the sake of our children . The fine line of giving without losing yourself. Motherhood eventually became my drive, my purpose and my everything. The irony of it all is it was what also led me to a burn out. Yes I lost myself along the way and it got messy for a long periods of time, but now as today I sit over Mongolia traveling 530 mph next to the love of my life , I soak in my full circle moment. Life is great right? Typing the silver lining, posting only the best pics and touching on the slight impurities of the moment to keep it “real”…thats what we do. We don’t mislead, we instinctively focus on the better side of the story. My posts and pics were never false or fake, they were edited - thats where the title comes into play.
“If I were gay this would be my coming out post” . Lets get one thing straight… I never set out to withhold truth, I was surviving. Sometimes talking about the darkness and the grit it takes to survive is difficult for even yourself to face. Life was not all what it seemed to be on my blog and not all what it seemed to friends at a distance.
The Fake and The Truth:
The truth is, the last three years I was drowning. I was unhappy 75% of the time on a good day, and I was lost. Don’t get me wrong there were moments where I was so happy my heart could bust, moments of pure joy. But when those moments were in the distance there was pain, fear, and a pending gloom that I was pretty much blowing it as a wife, mother, and daughter of God. I tried for years to dig my way out of the pit I seemed to continuously fall in. For many years my efforts reaped goodness and blessings poured down. But there came a time where my load became too heavy and I started to give up. Six months ago was the peak of loss when I stopped caring for things I cared for previously. I stopped trying, stopped pushing myself and stopped seeing my families future in the light I had once seen it in idealistic terms. I didn’t even know how it would all play out eventually. I was lost physically, spiritually, mentally and certainly emotionally. By the grace of God there was a change that came into my life and fixed many if not all of those areas through becoming well through giving my body nutrition it was being starved of. That is a whole other post, in a nut shell, I couldn’t function without giving my body what it needed to survive stress. The stress was killing my abilities to handle my kids, and the stress was ultimately destroying my life dreams of who I ultimately wanted to be as a person. But what I found in the end was we should never underestimate what is out there for resources. It may be a friend you write off as too unlike yourself to relate to your troubles. It may be taking a step back and taking back your personal life a little even though what you are giving to your family and others is worthwhile. If you are suffering and unable to fill your own bucket, what truly are you able to give them in the end. Learning to put our own oxygen mask on before helping others is something I only recently truly understood. I feel saddened it took this long and feel the need to apologize to my kids for serving them too often over myself. Because in the end, neither of us really benefited the way I had hoped. But when we know better we do better.
The morel of the story:
Our dreams never have to die. They can be fulfilled in a different version of how you originally created them. You can have it all if you open yourself up to sacrifice and always putting the most important things above those you want in the moment. But never forgetting that one of the most important things is to feed yourself first. Feed yourself though worthwhile personal nourishment. Take care of your physical and spiritual self. Stop believing the lies we tell ourselves that those around us won’t feel the effects of our lack of joy as long as we keep doing what we are suppose to though action. People know when your going through the motions and your kids do too. Start focusing on your personal development. There will be defining moments in life where you sometimes have to just move forward with a decision for the only reason being that it is the right one. Sometimes those correct choices you made won’t produce immediate fulfillment or grant you what you wanted right away, but you can never go wrong by doing right. Don’t take the shortcut, the path that has the least resistance i.e.: the wrong path. I would like to believe that although my choices were not always the best, overall when it came down to it I chose right when it mattered the most.
Know that the right path may be a long, hard road but it’s never the wrong path to take. The right path may often not be most glamorous , but your time will come full circle in the least unexpected moment. Never give up hope, never give up on your dreams and never lose sight of what is really the most important no matter how much you really want something. What you want isn’t always what you need at that moment in your life. Be open, be teachable, be patient. Your time will come.
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