A Sad Day Yesterday - when a baby passes away.

My family that is well...not my official family per say, The Millirons, had a similar experience as we did with our daughter. Sweet Elizabeth Kay Milliron was laid to rest and return back to her Heavenly Father to fulfill a different mission than on this earth.

It was years ago when Tyler was probably a senior in high school, standing at our daughter Evers graveside service. Laurie, his mom, speaking at it. Not one of us could have guessed 10 years later he would be burying his very own daughter just one plot over.




I post this because I want to remember just how precious life is. I post this because i want anyone who may read it to know that grief isn't as straight forward as our logical minds see it. It is unpredictable and can resurface at anytime - any moment - without warning. I post this because sometimes we just don't know what to say when someone loses a baby. Even gone through it myself I had a hard time to find the right words. Death is a tricky thing. I think our bodies are wired, connected to loved ones. When we lose a child or a dear loved one close to us our bodies physically react when our brain is telling us "they are fine, it was along time ago, it is in the plan", mean while tears are streaming, hearts are aching, and the pain of not ever knowing what would have been begins to sting.

I can tell you that infant death is confusing - I understand that. We as mothers of infants lost soon after delivery do not mourn the kisses that are no longer there, the little voice calling out for Mommy, or the quirky little things they do . We can not. It is a different loss, empty and vacant. It is a loss that is very hard to discribe, but it is there.We mourn the lost opportunity to raise our child. We grieve the unknown of what our child would be like and the sibling that is missing, wishing they were there to complete the family. Then when we try to move on we are faced with other pains. We often feel guilty when someone asks us how many kids we have and we sometimes leave our deceased one out due to the casual question. Then it is the void between siblings. I don't know what it is but there are not many times that I can talk about Bailey and Ever being 17 months apart without feeling that missing link in our family. That feeling wishing she had her sister here to experience life together, share things, share memories. I can not often talk about it without the tears welling up. My logical and spiritual side know it is a divine plan but my emotional side takes over and my heart pains and the tears come without warning.





Elizabeths brother...

Mr.Douglas










I feel for Kami, I know all to well. But time heals and I have to say that watching her and Tyler go through this experience I have nothing but admiration for their spiritual maturity. They have allowed Elizabeth to strengthen their marriage and their testimony. In Jamie and mine experience we were not as mature. It tore us apart in many ways due to us dealing with grief differently. Our marriage almost did not survive. I couldn't change what happened with our daughter then but I could have tried to learn, tried to grow. Tyler and Kami have taught me allot by their example, all of what I wish I knew back then.


This whole experience in talking to Laurie (Elizabeth's Grandma)throughout Kami's pregnancy, reading Kami's blog, and talking with Jamie about it has made me just feel so humble as I hold Callie. We take it for granted so often the gift it is to have a baby to bring home. There is something just not right about picking out a casket and burial dress when all you want to do is choose a crib and a outfit to take her home in. Life is so fragile and a baby is a true miracle, we tend to forget that.
I feel so bad that Kami is feeling empty and not knowing how the void will ever be filled. If she only knew time does pass and her feelings towards today will become more of reverence rather than so much sorrow and pain. But then again after reliving a little of it recently for myself, I can tell you it never really does heal completely like I thought it did. Like I said death is a tricky thing.