US...Six kids???? The 3 that were not meant to be.

Can it really be that I am having my 6th baby in a few weeks?
The older I get the more I tend to take time in thinking about how crazy the past was and how in awe I am that we survived it together in one piece.
Well, that is certainly debatable, but as good as the pieces could be I guess.

Due to the fact I am due to give birth again (and in 17 days I might add) it has me thinking about the "babies" I have carried before and never got to raise. Ever seems real to me, I know I will one day see her again and probably get a good laugh as she tells me she just wasn't ready to enter the chaos and chose to be the angel of our crazy family. (Okay maybe not, but there is a plan and I will one day understand).
Years ago Jamie and I were surprised to find out that we were pregnant with twins. I never knew I was pregnant until 8 weeks when there was signs of a miscarriage. Baby #1 did not have a heart beat and I was put on bed rest for baby #2. It was a few weeks later that baby #2's heart stopped as well. The shock was still there from the whole incident anyway but I knew that during the period of time Heavenly Father knew is was not meant for us. The hard part is that not knowing I was pregnant for so long I was not taking care of myself and I feel that caused the miscarriages, that reality hurts as I feel I caused it. Thank goodness we all grow up and we become responsible at some point.

Although these "stick figures" are certainly out of order it shows the 'what could have been' in our little family. Reality is that we never know. My pregnancies were all back to back in a flood of fertile 4 year stretch. It is likely that if the babies all made it I probably would have been on birth control by the time of London. Now what would I have done without my London? So we just never know. I just wish I was the kind of Mom that COULD handle 6 kids...but I guess I am not. May Callie have mercy on me as I learn - STILL - how to be a good mom.